Not What I Meant
by Mayuna
Summary: When Yuki is attacked Shuichi is by his side faithfully only to be accused of being the cause.


Eirie Yuki closed the door to his house just as his lover Shuichi was about to chastise him about leaving at such a late hour just topick up a pack of cigarettes. He opened his old pack taking out the last one, brought it to his lips and lit it. He inhaled deeply holding the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. The nicotine slowly worked it's way into his system calming him down considerably. He walked past the gar age tossing the empty pack into a garbage can and decided against taking his car for a change.

"At least it will get me away from his nagging." He thought aloud glancing back towards the house knowing that Shuichi was probably sitting on the floor by the door with tears flowing down his cheeks as he cursed the day he met the author. A smirk came to his face as he walked down the driveway thinking of ways to make it up to his lover when he arrived back home. It wasn't so much the nagging that bothered him it was the other mans seemingly endless energy supply. It never ceased to amaze Eirie at just how much emotion Shuichi put into everything. At times he wondered if he had ended up with an unstable individual but knew he wouldn't want Shuichi to be any other way.

The night was warm enough that he had left his coat at the house going out in only jeans and a tee shirt. He kept his eyes straight ahead of him glaring at the brightness of the offending street lights as he passed underneath them. He glanced up at the sky taking it in as best he could in the middle of the city. At times he had to admit he did miss living at his fathers temple. He had grown up listening to the sounds of nature and naming constellations off to his brother Tatsuha but knew that it was for the best that he kept his distance. Despite his best efforts to supress it he chuckled to himself as the image of his father came to mind the day that Shuichi had shown up in a dress. He had thought for sure the old man was going to keel over and die of a stroke.

Thinking back on the memory it suddenly occured to him that it had been a while since Shuichi had put on a dress for him.

"I just don't get why that does anything for me." He said aloud pushing an annoying strand of hair away from his eyes. Shuichi was cute. There was no other way to put it. He wasn't handsome and despite his sex drive had no other trace of testosterone in him for most of the time, besides when he felt that his Yuki was being threatened and tried to beat someone up. Eirie had already admitted to himself some time before that he was in love with the pink haired singer. That first night that he had run into him in the park he had barely given him a second thought. He had in fact actually thought he was a girl at first glance. It was only after Shuichi had yelled at him that he realized that he was a man. For the next day he had only been a passing thought. He had been on his way home from a meeting with his editor only to have to slam on his brakes when some kid jumped in front of his car.

At first he didn't have a clue as to who this person was let alone why he looked so pissed off at him until he realized it was the kid from the park. He had sat for a second in pure shock that he had risked getting plowed down by traffic just to yell at him for being mean. That was when he felt the first pang for Shuichi strike him dead in his chest. His mind had screamed for him to just go around him and not take a second glance back but something drew him to him for some reason. He still wasn't quite sure why he took him back to his house that first night but didn't regret it. Granted there were times that Shuichi seemed like an infectious disease that he just couldn't seem to shake off he knew that with out the other he would be the same pathetic mess he had been for his entire adult life before meeting him.

The corner store loomed in the distance a block or so away from him getting closer with each step he took. He had already flicked his cigarette away sucking it down to the filter as he always did and felt the awful tingle he received when ever he realized that he had completely run out. Since Shuichi had come to live with him on a seemingly permanent basis he had cut back considerably going through a pack every two days which all in all he figured wasn't too bad. Still Shuichi complained and cried that he was going to end up with a horrible lung disease and die before he was thirty.

"Maybe that's what I could do for him." He thought to himself as the idea of possibly quitting came to mind.

"'Do for him?'" A voice said off to his right. He quickly glanced down the darkened alley to see a group of about five guys standing against a dumpster with seemingly nothing else to do. Before he could blink they had rushed around him forming a circle closing him in. He narrowed his eyes dangerously at them.

"Got a problem?" He asked his voice low.

"With queers? Yeah a big problem. You see your faggot boyfriend and you are messing up our nice little neighborhood." The man that had spoken before said.

"Really? Here I thought it was you asshole's going around breaking into everyone's business's and houses." Eirie replied his eyes moving around him searching for an advantage finding none. The guys who surrounded him varied from incredibly buff to just obese. He would be not much of a match against one let alone five of them. He knew he could get the element of surprise on one of them but not all of them. A sinking feeling suddenly hit him in the pit of his stomach as worry began to take him over.

"Oh so you think you're funny there gay boy?" Another of the men said from behind him.

"Hey, Yakumo." Another said to the first one who had spoken, "We should teach the fag here a lesson." Yakumo, he presumed was their leader, allowed a dangerous smile to creep across his face.

"Maybe you're right Kintaro. Grab him." He ordered. Eirie made an attempt to throw a punch at one of them as they came quickly to his left only to feel a crack land against his head. His vision flashed white before his eyes as he fell despite his best efforts to remain upright. His neck hurt as he felt blood run down staining the collar of his shirt realizing that he was being kicked. He felt his arms move to protect his face while his knees moved upward protecting his torso. The only thought that ran through his mind was that maybe Shuichi was right in saying that cigarettes would kill him just not in the way he had thought.

'Shuichi.' The name echoed in his head as he thought about his lover sitting and waiting for him patiently not knowing what was happening to him. He opened his mouth in an attempt to yell out only to feel him being picked up off the ground and dragged. He glanced up noticing the sting just above his eye as blood began to cloud his vision. Apparently he hadn't protected himself as well as he had first thought. He was thrown against the brick wall of a building as he glanced around noting that he was in the alley. They had taken him further down then where he had first seen them and knew that any attempt at yelling for help would be in vain at this late hour. He could only make out three of his assaulters and guessed that the other two had were keeping watch.

"So gay boy," Yakumo hissed at him as he pinned his body to the wall, "Why don't you show me what you and that pussy boy do to each other huh?" Eirie felt anger boil from deep with in him at the way he slandered Shuichi and spit in his face. A quick punch to his temple knocked what ever small amount of sense he had had left in him. He landed hard his head bouncing off the pavement only adding insult to his injury.

He struggled to keep his eyes open as he felt his shirt being torn off of his torso. Pathetically he batted at the hands that moved across his chest and abdomen causing him to react to the unwanted administrations. His eyes closed despite his best efforts as he felt his pants being pulled down and wondered if this is what it had been like when Shuichi had been attacked. He could hear his lovers voice in his head threatening his attackers and he hoped vainly that somehow someway Shuichi would know he was in trouble and come to his aid. The pain that gripped his body as something cold, hard and big was shoved into his body. He screamed out despite his efforts hearing distant laughter above him along with something that sounded like, 'Bet that's bigger than your faggot girl friend', but couldn't quite make it out altogether. With his last moment of consciousness he saw in his minds eye Shuichi smiling the sweet smile that he saved just for his Yuki.

The sound of beeping was what first came to his ears and initially brought him back to consciouness. He felt a groan escape from his throat followed by a sob somewhere near him. His eyes shot open as fear and panic suddenly seized him. He felt his body sit bolt upright despite the crushing pain that over took him.

"Yuki! No Yuki lay back down!" His head whipped to his right despite the feeling of dizziness and naseau to see Shuichi standing by his side.

"Shuichi." He whispered swallowing hard.

"Yes Yuki it's me. Oh god I was so scared. I love you so much." He said allowing as usual his emotions to take him over. Tears fell down his cheeks as he grasped Yuki's hand urging him to lay back down. Eirie allowed his lover to help him wincing in pain never taking his eyes off of Shuichi's. The other man wiped away the tears from his eyes reaching out his fingertips to brush away the hair from Eirie's forehead. How could Shuichi even look at him let alone cry over him? He hadn't been able to protect himself yet again leaving him attempting to wipe it clean from his memory. "I was so worried when you didn't come home, worried that maybe you had gotten so mad at me that you left again. So I went looking for you but they said that you hadn't been in the store so I decided to go back to the house and start calling people when something just told me to go down into the alley. Yuki, I thought you were dead." Shuichi wailed bringing his head down to rest lightly against Eirie's chest. He felt his tears soaking through the flimsy material of the hospital gown and wanted nothing more than to wrap his battered arms around the only person he truly cared for and tell him that everything would be alright.

"Don't be stupid you damn brat." He snapped instantly regreting the words that he couldn't stop from coming.

"Wha-what?" Shuichi asked lifting his head up his eyes wide in question if he had heard correctly.

"It's because of you that this happened to me in the first place." He saw the hurt that crossed Shuichi's features and felt the sick feeling in his stomach turn into pure guilt. Why couldn't he stop himself from lashing out at his lover. He knew that Shuichi must have been half out of his wits when he found him laying there presumably naked and bleeding. Now he repays sitting by his side for who knew how long by accusing him of being the cause of his attack.

"Yu-Yu-Yuki I d-d-d-don't understand." Shuichi stuttered out. Yuki had learned in the year the two of them had been together that when he stuttered it usually meant that he was one step away from a complete breakdown normally resulting in him losing his voice but as the insults and accusations came more easily with each one he became angry at his lover, at the damn brat that had shown up at his doorstep time and time again forcing him to do those disgusting things with him.

"All you have to understand is that when I get home you had better not be there!" Eirie shouted causing his parched voice to crack unevenly. He felt his eyes narrow as Shuichi quickly let go of his hand lowering his head. He shook his head a few times from side to side allowing his tears to drop down to the floor.

"I was, I was so worried about you Yuki. I was so happy just now when you woke up but you had to go and ruin it." He said softly before bringing his head up quickly to match the glare that Eirie still held. "You always ruin things for me! I can never be happy Yuki, can I? Why is it that you want me to be so miserably when all I want to do is love you! Why won't you let me?" He shouted misery and anguish embedded in his voice.

Eirie felt his gaze soften as he felt his heart shrink in his chest at the sight of the one person who had ever really cared enough to know him for who he was. The person that had only wanted to care for him in return for the same. Why was it that after everything Shuichi had done for him he couldn't be at least nice to him? The answer alluded him as he watched his lover stand still and huff out his breath as more tears fell down his cheeks. How many times had he made Shuichi cry, too many.

"If that's what you want Yuki then fine. I won't bother you anymore. Just forget about me, forget about everything." He said turning to walk away. Desperately Eirie reached out a hand to his boyfriend trying to grasp his before he left in one final effort to salvage something that may have been broken too many times to be fixed.

"Shuichi don't go. I don't want you to. Please no, forgive me. I didn't, I didn't mean it." He whispered wondering if he had even been heard when Shuichi stopped in the doorway his back still turned. Slowly he turned back around taking a small step at a time back towards the bed. His eyes moved from his boyfriend's still outstretched hand to the unshed tears that sparkled against his brazen yellow eyes.

"Say it again." Shuichi said after five minutes had passed painfully by in silence. Eirie put his hand down and stared at him knowing full well that all of the apologies he could utter would never be enough to erase the pain that he had caused his lover but decided to try anyways.

"I'm sorry for everything." He replied. Shuichi shook his head a small wisp of a smile gracing his lips.

"No, my name. You hardly ever call me by my name and I just love hearing you say it." He stated taking another step closer. Eirie outstretched his hand again enjoying the warmth of Shuichi's as they entwined their fingers.

"Shuichi." He whispered softly trying to control the waver in his voice feeling nothing but love in his heart for the pink haired boy who had stolen his heart.


End file.
